Well ladies and gentlemen, its spring in this fine country we call home. Amongst other things it means longer days, warmer nights, the perpetual hunt for an open patio spot, oh, and weddings. So many weddings. “It’s wedding season” you’ll start to utter as your weekends quickly become occupied with each impending nuptial that your close friends and family invite you to. Don’t get me wrong, I love a wedding. If you don’t love weddings you’re going to the wrong weddings, because they ones I’m going to are awesome.
But that’s not what I’m here to talk to you about today. I’m here to defend my long-standing title as winner of the bouquet toss. As you may or may not know, I am the proud, seven-time-champion of the single ladies showdown.
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, a bouquet toss isn’t something to be too competitive about and I should just sit back down. Well, you might not be entirely wrong, but if you’re going to parade me onto the dance floor with the fellow finely dressed, unmarried women at your party with the promise of matrimony, I’m going to give it my all. There is the potential of a wedding of my own on the line, and lifelong happiness. Don’t forget the lifelong happiness. And really ladies, there’s nothing sadder than an apathetic bouquet toss.
So, now that I’ve admitted that I’m pretty alright at ninja snagging a bundle of flowers that are whipped through the air while wearing a dress, lets get down to it.
Step 1: Kick off those shoes
You are fooling yourself if you think those likely uncomfortable, sky high, strappy sandals are doing you any good for dancing, let alone elbowing other women out of the way to catch a bouquet. Kick em to the curb and get ready.
Step 2: Intimidation
This is the showboating portion of the event. Do some light stretches, take a circle around the dance floor, let those other ladies know you mean business. Heck, the crowd will even love it if there is a little faux rough housing. Get those arms out there and make some space.
Step 3: Positioning
Hotly debated and somewhat controversial, I think this is a matter of preference. It is in my opinion that front and centre is the place to be, but this can be dangerous. If you have a rambunctious bride with an arm like Roger Clemens you might be in trouble because that bouquet is going long and you are not even close. But, from my experience you need to get as much space up front as you can. By all means let the little kids stand in front of you, you’re not an animal and they deserve to think they stand a chance.
Step 4: Stance
Think volleyball ready position, football linebacker, common ladies, this is no time to be worried about looking lady like. Your future marital bliss is just one flower catch away. You need to be ready to move.
Step 5: Anything Goes
Aside from pushing over the little kids, elbowing the bride’s cousin’s new girlfriend, or tackling the bouquet out of another ladies hands I say go for it. Why play the game if you aren’t going to try. Your ready position should help you run, dive, leap, and snag. Don’t be embarrassed, go forth and win that bouquet.
Step 6: The Cele
Assuming everything has gone according to plan and you are now the proud owner of a slimmed down version of the bride’s bouquet there are some requirements. Play it up, you just won! Don’t feel bad about celebrating a little. Next, find the man who won the garter toss, you’ll probably fall in love, but if you don’t snap a pic, he just worked hard to grab a weird mid-thigh elastic band covered in lace and now doesn’t know what to do with it. Be his friend. Finally, find one of the little girls you likely stole the bouquet from with your ninja fast moves and give them the bouquet. I guarantee that 6-year-old will be way more excited about two roses and some babies breath than you.
Now that you have won (potentially) a lifetime of love, and a medium sized bouquet its time to get down and dance. Weddings are a party, a celebration of love, so have fun with it.
May the odds be ever in your favour.
*Seriously though, weddings are supposed to be fun, don’t be that guy pushing people out of the way for a bouquet. Be nice and keep it cool, we’re all just there to celebrate.