Its a mental struggle

I’ve been feeling rather uninspired lately. I’ve started and deleted many a blog post this week. Generally when I write these I get an idea, a gist of where I’d like it to go, then I sit down and let it flow. That is easiest for me, or at least I think that allows me to maintain my conversational tone.

Well maybe I should rethink that a little. My problem isn’t a lack of inspiration, it is a lack of focus. I can’t seem to keep one thought in my head clear before the next one bubbles up and takes over. Then doubt seeps in. How could anyone find this remotely interesting? Why am I even writing this? It is probably crap anyways. DELETE.

Start over. New topic. New direction. Probably crap. DELETE! Sigh. Repeat.

This is a problem I was having before I started writing this blog. The thought that none of my thoughts were even worth sharing. The thought that it wouldn’t be good. The self doubt. And even more-so the thought that what I my writing would reveal some detail that in some way could alter the very fabric of the friendship/relationship I have with the readers I knwo. They would walk away from their computers shaking their heads thinking “That Teira, I thought I knew her, how wrong I was.”

And now we’re spiralling into a manic state of self doubt. What if everyone who thinks they know me finds out that I am actually different than they thought? What if who I am isn’t who they thought I was? WHAT HAPPENS THEN!?!

Well this, my friends, is the fine line I feel I walk when I write a blog post. Pretty crazy right?

The thing I must continue to remind myself is that:

1. Doing new things is hard
2. When doing new things, you will likely fail
3. Failing is good
4. Taking a stance and saying what you believe is a good thing, even if it is different than what others think
5. It is better to stand up and speak your mind than try to appease everyone; you have to ruffle a few feathers to get things done, and finally
6. People aren’t thinking about you that much, who do you even think you are? Freddie Mercury?!

Another thing I must remind myself, when contemplating blogging, comes from a conversation I had with my brother that basically boiled down to the fact that I mustn’t sensor my writing for specific people. I think of you, dear reader, what you might think, if I might offend you, or how you might agree or disagree. This, however, finds me changing what I want to say. But gosh darn it, if there is every a time or place for me to say what I mean it is here and it is now.

So with that reaffirmation for me to stand my ground, I’ll try to worry less and blog more. This post feels a little self indulgent, and even now I’m considering deleting it all. But maybe that’s the sign of a good writer? Always thinking what you do is total rubbish.