Exhausted. Smiley Face. Question Mark.

I’m exhausted. Not the nice kind of exhausted where you plop down on your couch and melt into the cushions with a giddy heart and completely worn our body. That’s the good kind of exhausted. That’s the kind where you’ve been on a lake all weekend laughing your face off, or you hiked 5 mountains with some lovely friends, or you’ve been up to so many of the things that you adore doing that you simply can take no more of it. The glee of that exhaustion is so lovely that it feels rewarding.

That is not the kind of exhausted that I am.

I think its fair to say that when we say exhausted we immediately cue to a physical state, but increasingly I think that we should be defining it as a psychological or emotional state.

Think about it like this, you know those people who are always doing so much. I’m talking they do more things than it seems reasonable for a human being to do in a day, week, or month. On the extreme case I’m thinking music producers or some equally creative humans who are writing, recording, editing music, making short films on the side, and in their downtime they started a charity. And then they have the audacity to say things in interviews like ‘I can’t sit at home when I have time off, I just must be doing things.’

This boggles my mind as I sit comfortably on my balcony with zero motivation to get up to put the clean dishes that have been sitting in my dishwasher for two days in the cupboard that is quite literally directly above them. It doesn’t get easier to have clean dishes than that and today I simply cannot be bothered. I would rather waste my time watching some Netflix show that I’m not really that interested in because it’s easier.

“I’m so tired,” I explain to myself, “I’ll do it tomorrow.”

The fact is that tomorrow I have hardly any time so maybe if we’re lucky we’re looking at me doing it Thursday. But why so much struggle with such simple things? Now I feel like I’m getting longwinded about my complete inability to deal with clean dishes, but I’m coming around to the question of what is standing in my way and why do some people have endless amounts of energy? What’s the thing that’s going to get me ‘doing stuff’ all the time?

I’ve come to the conclusion – and this is nothing new here – that I’m exhausted because I’m listless, generally directionless, and hunkered quite comfortably in a little bit of a rut. Those people who are happy to endlessly pursue their musical passions are doing so because it fills them with so much life. The things they are doing aren’t draining them, they’re fuelling them pursue that more of what they love.

This, of course is not a new idea, but its something I need to keep reminding myself when I start blaming my lack of energy on my all to regular late nights. Which, while yes I’m certain they have an effect on my day, can’t be blamed for everything. If I was thrilled to be running out the door everyday to take on whatever it was I’m headed to do, I’d probably be tired but energized.

I like to think of it this way, usually when summer first hits I’m shocked by how much drive I have to do things. Anyone in Canada can relate, suddenly all you want to do is be outside. Winter no longer is there to convince me that I need to stay indoors, under a blanket, with a hot cup of rum. In the summer I want to go for a bike ride then to the pool then if someone asked me to go play ball, I’d probably say yes.

So, what’s my summer? and how do I kick this case of the winter blues?

ugh.